My Turn: Words No Human Should Utter

...With a twist!

Feeling bummed that I didn't get to participate in the previous edition of this post, I decided to create my own list of peevish words. However, instead of focusing simply on slang, I'm going to gear toward words that have been mispronounced so many times that the incorrect version has been colloquialized into acceptable speech.

This is your one warning: If I ever hear you utter one of these words, prepare for an onslaught of hate beams and dropped jaws!

Expresso instead of Espresso.

I'm especially sensitive to this having worked in a coffee shop. The same goes for excetera, exscape and expecially.

All Timer's or Old Timer's instead of Alzheimer's

Barnes & Nobles instead of Barnes & Noble
This is pushing it, I know, but my dear old mom has a habit of saying this and it's accumulated quite a bit of quietly oppressed aggravation over the years.

Fustrated instead of Frustrated
Corny joke about how frustrating this is ___here____.

Pitcher instead of Picture
I am willing to let it slide if you're trying to be cute, or under the age of 12.

Libary instead of Library
See above.

Artic instead of Arctic
One time I made my husband laugh uncontrollably because I kept saying "Arctic Cats" with perfect pronunciation. 

Supposably instead of Supposedly

Offline instead of Online

I'm pretty sure everyone in the entire world has worked with or knows at least one person who is guilty of claiming that they got something "offline." But 6,706,993,152 wrongs don't make a right!

Axed instead of Asked

I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.

Wool instead of Well

Exceptions made for comedic effect.

Asteriks instead of Asterisk

H instead of Ache

I have actually only heard this once, and it didn't piss me off so much as just utterly confuse me. How does someone go through their life thinking you say "ache" as if it were the 8th letter of the alphabet?!

Mischeeveeous instead of Mischievous

My mom says this too, but I'm convinced she's trying to be cute because she always does so with a funny voice, so it falls into the Pitcher category.

Valentimes instead of Valentine's

Made cool by 30 Rock. Thanks Rachel Dratch! We miss your kooky Season 1 cameos.

Volumptuous instead of Voluptuous

As an aside, I was once real confused when my dad asked me to measure the cubic inches of a cardboard box and I thought he'd said "pubic inches." I don't think I was old enough to truly understand the misunderstanding, which is why I also couldn't understand why he and a friend were laughing so hard at a box that said "____ pubic inches." 

Also, I'm a particularly huge fan of PBS's section on speech, and the Big Book of Beastly Mispronunciations.