No. No. No.

I have no words. It simply makes my soul weep.

HateJunky

This morning I woke up with an intention: to play the SNES games on my Nintendo DS. Since my favorite gaming website was down I had to busy myself with second-rate acts, like this dude who runs CPUJunky.com and, for no reason other than the fact that he can, has a page on his site dedicated to things he hates.

At first I wasn't really interested in reading his diatribes, I mean-- this is a website dedicated to gaming and ROMs, why do I care what gets this guy's blood boiling? Just gimme Secret of Mana and no one gets hurt!

But I was intrigued... So I scrolled down and noticed some very peculiar comments in the category titled "Types of People I Hate."

Before I get to the punchline, let me start off with some random quotes from the page.

• People who take their dogs everywhere and treat them as people: I just can't stand these people. I look at them and think, are you retarded? I understand that people can grow very close to their pets, but how far are you going to take that? I mean when you dress your dog up in clothes and take it with you everywhere you go, isn't that a bit far?


• People who use the online term "LOL": LOL means "laughing out loud." For some reason when I see someone type it, I just think of queers dancing in a circle.


• People who use the online term Newbie: What was originally used to describe a new computer user has lost all meaning. ... I get so tired of playing a game online and listening to people bitch and throw words back and forth. It isn't a fucking chat line people.

Now, there's something to be said about lists and ordering. I'd have to assume that the rants at the top of the page are more outrageous to our CPUJunky than those at the bottom.

That said, here are the top three categories of People CPUJunky Hates:


Number One

• People who drive below the speed limit: Hello? Its fucking 55mph not 35mph. My life doesn't get put on hold because your slow.

Well, it's just a good thing he doesn't hate people who can't grasp basic grammar. Amirite?

Number Two

• People who are hypocritical: No one likes a hypocrite for obvious reasons. Its like they put you on a lower pedestal than them because they can do things you shouldn't.

Even though I don't understand half of what you just said... Yeah, okay, I can hang with that. I mean, everyone contradicts themselves from time to time, right? But it is annoying, nonetheless.

But what's this? Directly below his hatred for hypocrites...



Number Three

• People who are condescending: "There is a better way to make your web page, let me show you the right way." If you have a suggestion, suggest it don't force it. If you have an opinion, state it with reason.

Are you for real, CPUJunky?! I laughed out loud (or should I say, LOL'ed) while immediately hitting the "print screen" button on my keyboard.

What a fucking newb.

Decorative Soaps

What’s the point? Why does anyone need decorative soap? Half the time it's never used. Most people are going to feel that it’s too pretty. So, there it will sit in a tray on the back of the toilet (or sink) collecting dust(GROSS!) for all eternity. So what if it’s wrapped in ribbon? It’s still stupid. Especially if it’s shaped like a pale peach or blue seashell and paired with a matching scented candle, or sachet of potpourri.

My Turn: Words No Human Should Utter

...With a twist!

Feeling bummed that I didn't get to participate in the previous edition of this post, I decided to create my own list of peevish words. However, instead of focusing simply on slang, I'm going to gear toward words that have been mispronounced so many times that the incorrect version has been colloquialized into acceptable speech.

This is your one warning: If I ever hear you utter one of these words, prepare for an onslaught of hate beams and dropped jaws!

Expresso instead of Espresso.

I'm especially sensitive to this having worked in a coffee shop. The same goes for excetera, exscape and expecially.

All Timer's or Old Timer's instead of Alzheimer's

Barnes & Nobles instead of Barnes & Noble
This is pushing it, I know, but my dear old mom has a habit of saying this and it's accumulated quite a bit of quietly oppressed aggravation over the years.

Fustrated instead of Frustrated
Corny joke about how frustrating this is ___here____.

Pitcher instead of Picture
I am willing to let it slide if you're trying to be cute, or under the age of 12.

Libary instead of Library
See above.

Artic instead of Arctic
One time I made my husband laugh uncontrollably because I kept saying "Arctic Cats" with perfect pronunciation. 

Supposably instead of Supposedly

Offline instead of Online

I'm pretty sure everyone in the entire world has worked with or knows at least one person who is guilty of claiming that they got something "offline." But 6,706,993,152 wrongs don't make a right!

Axed instead of Asked

I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.

Wool instead of Well

Exceptions made for comedic effect.

Asteriks instead of Asterisk

H instead of Ache

I have actually only heard this once, and it didn't piss me off so much as just utterly confuse me. How does someone go through their life thinking you say "ache" as if it were the 8th letter of the alphabet?!

Mischeeveeous instead of Mischievous

My mom says this too, but I'm convinced she's trying to be cute because she always does so with a funny voice, so it falls into the Pitcher category.

Valentimes instead of Valentine's

Made cool by 30 Rock. Thanks Rachel Dratch! We miss your kooky Season 1 cameos.

Volumptuous instead of Voluptuous

As an aside, I was once real confused when my dad asked me to measure the cubic inches of a cardboard box and I thought he'd said "pubic inches." I don't think I was old enough to truly understand the misunderstanding, which is why I also couldn't understand why he and a friend were laughing so hard at a box that said "____ pubic inches." 

Also, I'm a particularly huge fan of PBS's section on speech, and the Big Book of Beastly Mispronunciations.

Come ON!

This post is not about an object. This is about a phenomenon I've noticed several times in the last month alone that needs to come to an abrupt end. This post is about the fact that some people are apparently utterly confused and completely naive about the process of the common fast food restaurant drive-thru.

It seems like a simple enough idea. You pull up to the speaker, tell them what you want, continue forward and exchange money for your food. Then you leave. You do NOT : leave sizeable gaps between yourself and the car in front of you, thus causing a large line of cars behind you to impede passing traffic; blast your stereo so loudly that nobody in the cars around you or in the restaurant can hear themselves speak; pull up to the speaker and proceed to ask about EVERY item on the menu, then discuss the merits of each item with all of the passengers in your car, causing your ordering time to equal that of the entire Cretaceous period; or throw your car into REVERSE, coming within a hair's breadth of completely decimating the car behind you (I have witnessed this twice in the last month...TWICE people).

The point is, it shouldn't be so hard. It's an extremely simple process that's meant to be an efficient way to purchase food. Why do people always have to screw up the simple stuff?

Will The Thrill

I don't even want to try to imagine how he got this nickname. I HATE it when people refer to themselves in the third person and it's completely horrible when they are using a nickname.

The Hair

There is this hair at work. It's one of the grossest, yet fascinating things I've seen. This hair is stuck in the rubber molding around the door to the stairwell on the second floor. I don't know the exact moment that I noticed it, but I DO know that Noah was still working here and that he hasn't worked here for two years.

It's been there for at least two years.

I don't understand how it's possible for it to still be there. Shouldn't it have broken off by now? It's a straight, black hair just stuck right there in the molding around the door. When I first noticed it I was really grossed out and hoped that it would fall out soon. After months went by though and it remained there, stuck to that molding, it became this sort of anomoly and I just had to see how long it would last.

It's still there.

Stupid Inventions... Or Are They?

This website has a bunch of photos of some really stupid inventions, but I gotta tell ya, some of them seemed pretty cool and practical to me. Like the umbrella, and even the subway chin-rest!

Other things, like this... Male breast-feeding simulator (?!) are just plain bizarre.

Also, butter in a stick? EW! The fact that it looks like a "fatty" (sorry Chritsina) tube of chapstick makes me want to gag.

Moms in the Right are just plain wrong.

I don't even know what to say about this little piece of the World Wide Web.

Besides posting a bible study post every Sunday, this blog of ultra-conservative moms compare Democrats (especially Obama) to the guards on the Berlin Wall who shot people trying to sneak into West Berlin, and write off all preschool teachers as "fat government nannies".

I'm sure there are even more offensive posts here, but I couldn't explore it any longer.

Edit: I should probably point out that I think Moms in the Right should qualify as "ewwwwwwwwwww" just for the image posted above.

Pig Squeals

A few weeks ago my fellow contributor, Jillian, showed me a series of tutorials on Youtube of teens teaching you how to pig squeal, which is apparently a new alternative to singing real words in music.

So this is what the kids are doing to get their rocks off these days, huh? I can't help it, every feeling I get from this video makes me feel like an uncool geri who's swiftly falling out of the times.

And for my next diatribe: Distances I had to walk in the snow, barefoot, in order to get to school and back.

¡sǝןıɯ 51 :ɹǝʍsuɐ

Pillsbury Pattinson

I'm not gonna lie... I'm hopelessly addicted to the entire Twilight franchise, despite my better judgment. But while Googling the word "ew" (that's how I garner inspiration for future posts on this blog) I came across this cover of Entertainment Weekly, and all I could think was "What the FUCK?!"

Maybe it's just the pasty white skin (not to mention the gross chest hair), but RPattz is lookin' a little, uh... puffy, over there. Which is interesting, considering he looked like a bobblehead in the movie. Did they really think this was a flattering cover shoot?

Words No Human Should Utter

My friend Christina and I (who is also an All Things Horrible contributor) both work for the same company. To pass the time today we compiled a list through inter-office email of horrible words we hate to use, or hate when other people use.

Jillian

Massive

Uber

Hecka

Turd

Otie Dotie! (Actually, just pretty much any grown woman who uses baby talk to other grownups)

Hump Day

Sphincter

Earwig

Wiener


Christina

Props (As in, “yo mad props to you, bra’!”)

Grundy (as in the apparently Mid-Western term for “wedgie”)

Panties

Fanny

Fatty (as in "hey that's a fatty bike, bra'!").

Delish

Fungus

Worst Thing I've Ever Heard. Ever.

BrokeNCYDE is a band from Albequerque, New Mexico. It consists of four members who have nicknamed themselves Se7en, Phat J, Mik L, and Antz. Enough said.

Listen if you dare.

GROSS.

Let it be known that it was this item that inspired the collaboration of minds dedicated to revealing All Things Horrible.